


0-8-4 at the Museum

by EHyde



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Night at the Museum (2006 2009)
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 15:12:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3330539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EHyde/pseuds/EHyde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Battle of New York, the Museum of Natural History gets a new exhibit, and SHIELD investigates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	0-8-4 at the Museum

Miraculously, the museum managed to escape the destruction. Mostly, the exhibits were annoyed that the attack had taken place during the day. “It’s not fair,” Jedidiah had complained. “A real life alien invasion and we don’t even get to see any action, let alone fight to defend our territory.”

“I, uh, think the Avengers managed all right without you,” Larry replied. “And what do you know about alien invasions, anyway?”

“I watch Netflix sometimes! _Cowboys & Aliens_, man. Excellent movie!”

“Uh-huh.”

Ahkmenrah, upon hearing that it was an Asgardian who led the attack, simply rolled his eyes and muttered “Of course,” which raised far more questions than answers.

 

Despite the lack of damage, the museum remained closed for the week following the attack, and when it reopened, it was … well … empty. “No one cares about history after an alien invasion,” Professor McPhee complained. It was true, and, Larry thought, entirely reasonable. Judging by his own experience, _history_ didn’t care about history after an alien invasion.

A few months later, though, McPhee had a solution. “That’s not—is that Chitauri?” Larry asked, as the new exhibit was wheeled in from the loading dock. The museum had just closed, but it was still about an hour till sunset.

“The government’s trying to collect it all,” said McPhee, “but I managed to track down three whole suits of the alien armor. This should bring people back, don’t you think?”

“Um.” It was, indeed, three suits of alien armor, wired such that they stood without a wearer, but if the medieval knights upstairs were anything to go by, that wouldn’t make them any less dangerous. “You couldn’t have given me a heads-up?”

McPhee looked at Larry like he was crazy. “Mr. Daley, I don’t see why on earth you would need a ‘heads-up’ about a new exhibit. This doesn’t affect your duties in the slightest.”

“Right, I just mean …” he trailed off. No point trying to explain. “Do you need help setting it up? I’m sure you don’t want to stick around here after hours.”

“Everything’s in place,” McPhee said. “Just needs to be wheeled over … right … here.”

“… out in the open?”

“It’s new and exciting! Or something.” Clearly, he was still bitter about the lack of interest in _actual_ history. “This will be the first thing people see when they come in.”

“And are those … guns?”

“Not real ones, alas,” said McPhee. Well, thank goodness for small favors. “The military gathered those up quick. We had some mock-ups put together to complete the look.”

They both watched as the last alien warrior was lifted off the cart and carefully positioned, and a thin rope barricade placed around the three.

“Well, goodnight!” said McPhee cheerfully, following the workmen out.

This was bad.

 

Larry checked his watch. The sun was almost setting. It looked like the museum was going to get its own alien invasion after all. Maybe it would be fine? The actual aliens had all collapsed once their leader was taken out, hadn’t they? With no leader, maybe these would …

No. The tablet didn’t work logically, he knew that by now. Aside from Rexy, the animals, and Ahkmenrah himself, it wasn’t bringing actual dead things to life. The rules that governed the Chitauri while they had lived wouldn’t apply to magically reanimated empty suits of armor, any more than the rest of the laws of reality did. If he’d had even one night’s warning to prepare the exhibits … well. Too late for that now. The sun had set.

“Rexy, stay!” he called. The dinosaur was always the first to awaken. He kept his eyes on the Chitauri and made his way across the lobby to where Teddy Roosevelt sat on his horse.

“Good evening, Larry.”

“Hey, Teddy. No time to talk. New exhibit.”

“Excellent!”

“No! Not excellent. Aliens.” He pointed to the Chitauri armor.

“Ah,” said Teddy. “I see.”

“Listen, can you help Rexy stand guard while I tell the others what’s going on?” Teddy nodded, and Larry raced upstairs.

“Hey Gigantor, what’s the rush?”

“We’ve got ourselves an alien invasion, Jed!”

“All right!” Jedidiah whooped in delight and turned to say something to Octavius, but Larry was already out of earshot.

He found Ahkmenrah out of his sarcophagus already. Larry never left it locked anymore, and in the summer, when there was more time between closing and sunset, he always made sure to push the heavy stone lid aside before Ahk woke up. He hadn’t tonight (though he had still made sure to lock down the African Mammals exhibit before sundown) and Ahk seemed a little shaken up. He could shift the stone lid aside by himself, but Larry knew he didn’t like waking up in such a close space.

“Sorry,” Larry began. “There’s been a bit of a situation that’s come up.”

Ahkmenrah composed himself and a serious frown spread across his face as Larry explained about the new Chitauri exhibit. “And you know they’re hostile?” he asked. “After all, you all used to think I was a danger to the museum.”

Larry winced at that. But— “They took out half the city, I think—” He was interrupted by a crash, screams, and what sounded suspiciously like an alien ray gun. “—it’s safe to say they’re hostile,” he finished. They took off back downstairs, Ahk shouting for Attila and his Huns to follow.

There were no hostile aliens waiting for them. Instead, they found a pile of disassembled dinosaur bones and several scorched holes in the back of the security desk. “Oh no, Rexy …” Then, “Teddy?” He couldn’t be gone … “Teddy, if you’ve been disintegrated by space aliens, I’ll—”

“I’m fine, son.” Teddy stepped out from behind a pillar. “I’m afraid there was little I could do.”

Larry and Ahk looked down at Rexy’s scattered bones. “Oh, he’ll be fine,” Teddy reassured them. “Rexy’s been disassembled and reassembled on many occasions. The aliens, though …”

Larry looked around. “Where did they go?” If they had actual, working ray guns the rest of the museum would be nearly defenseless against them.

Teddy indicated the front door. “They left.”

Well, shit.

 

“We have to go after them.”

“Larry, with their weapons, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Teddy was right, but— “They’re made of wood and cardboard, how are they even real ray guns?”

“How do the plastic automobiles you keep bringing for the miniatures always manage to explode when they crash?” Teddy returned.

“Okay, you’re right, I shouldn’t expect this to make sense. That doesn’t change the fact that they’re out there with ray guns! We have to do something.” He turned to Ahkmenrah. “Six guys in capes and tights managed to take out a whole army of these things, surely with the Huns and the Civil War guys we can take care of three empty suits of armor.”

Ahkmenrah shook his head. “We probably could, but it’s a big risk, going out after them. From what you’ve said, this city has seen a lot of mayhem, and we don’t want to cause more. And we definitely don’t want to draw attention to the museum.”

“So, what, we just wait for them to turn to dust at dawn?” In some ways it was tempting, but— “No. They could cause all sorts of trouble before then. They could kill people. Not to mention if McPhee’s prize new exhibit disappears overnight he’ll definitely fire me.”

“I can use the tablet to summon them back to their places,” Ahkmenrah said. “And then … we may not be able to contain them.” He looked back at the shattered Tyrannosaur. “I’ll disable the tablet. Everyone will go back to sleep. You can enable it again tomorrow night or—as soon as you figure out how to keep them safe.”

“You’re sure?”

“It’s the safest option, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but—” Safest for Larry, maybe. Shutting down the tablet’s magic would be putting Ahkmenrah’s—and all the other exhibits’— entire continued existence on the line. If no one restarted it— “Tomorrow night,” said Larry. “I’ll get this sorted out by then.”

* * *

“Chitauri sightings? Like, actual Chitauri. Not just artifacts?”

Agent Coulson nodded. “That’s what the reports say.”

“All right,” said Skye. “I’m accessing security footage from the vicinity … that’s strange.”

“What?”

Skye expanded the image and sent it to the big screen. “Did the Chitauri have any sort of robotic armor? Because …” The picture—admittedly blurry—showed three Chitauri-shaped figures, but no actual Chitauri. Just the armor. “The Museum of Natural History has a new exhibit on the Chitauri,” Skye continued. “It’s scheduled to open tomorrow. All these reports are from that vicinity.”

“That armor was thoroughly examined before we let the museum touch it,” said Coulson. “We certainly didn’t give them weapons. Still … it can’t be a coincidence. We’ll send a team tomorrow to check it out.”

 

The team that went in was made up of Skye, Fitz, and Simmons. Coulson, May, and Ward were on hand to provide support if needed, but as there were no aliens shooting at people at the moment, it was decided that this particular mission required more “tech support” than classic espionage. “So what do you think’s doing it?” Fitz asked. “Do you suppose someone’s re-engineered the armor?”

“Their vehicles had a biological component,” countered Simmons. “It’s possible that their armor does as well. It could actually be alive itself.”

“Yeah, but wouldn’t we have noticed that before now?”

The museum was crowded, even though it was near the end of the day. Clearly, the new exhibit was a popular one. “All right,” said Skye. “I can hack into their security footage while you two do whatever examinations you need to do of the armor itself.” She took out her laptop and found a bench to sit at.

A few minutes later, Fitz and Simmons reported back over comms. “We’re getting no abnormal readings from the armor whatsoever.”

“Really?”

“Nothing,” Fitz confirmed. “It’s as normal as Chitauri armor can be.”

“Wait, what’s that?” Simmons asked.

“That? That’s a, uh … huh.”

“… what is it?” Skye asked, after a moment.

“We’ll get back to you,” said Fitz, and Skye turned back to her laptop. It was also not providing the results she wanted to see. She had accessed museum security’s database without any problems, it had been laughably simple, but—there was nothing there. All security footage from the night shift, going as far back as the database went, had been deleted. Or never recorded in the first place.

 

“Skye?”

“Uh-huh?”

“We’re definitely picking up some abnormal energy levels from something,” said Simmons.

“But not from the armor,” Fitz added. “It’s coming from somewhere else in the museum.”

“An 0-8-4?”

“Could be. We’ll try and pinpoint its location.”

“All right,” said Skye. “Whether it’s related to the Chitauri sightings or not, there’s definitely something strange going on here … I think we need to stick around past closing and see what it is.”

“Can we do that?” asked Simmons. “I mean, won’t they kick us out?”

Skye rolled her eyes, though Fitz and Simmons wouldn’t be able to see. “They have a single night guard. I think we can find a way to stick around past closing.”

* * *

It actually took until well past closing to track down the source of the energy. The signal was faint and the museum large, and they had to waste twenty minutes hiding at closing time, but at last, they found it.

“Is it seriously coming from the Ancient Egypt exhibit?” Fitz asked. “Is this like Indiana Jones or something?”

Simmons didn’t reply. She was looking at all the various pieces on display—jewelry, scraps of parchment, weapons, and at the end of the hall, an actual sarcophagus. “Look, they have a real mummy here,” she said. “I didn’t think museums liked to put those on display anymore.”

“It’s probably empty,” said Fitz. “Look, the lid’s not even secure.” He gave the stone lid a push, and then let out a little shriek, dropping the scanner.

Simmons glanced down. “Not empty,” she said.

“I just wasn’t expecting—”

“A dried out, shriveled up dead body inside an ancient sarcophagus?”

“I thought it would be wrapped up!” Fitz retorted. “And I didn’t expect that lid to move so easily.” He picked up the scanner and pointed it at the sarcophagus. “Well, it’s not the source of the energy,” he said.

“No mummy’s curses here,” joked Simmons.

“I don’t know how you can laugh about—”

“It’s just a body, Fitz.”

“Can we close the lid now?” It took a bit more effort to shift the lid back into its place.

“Well, it’s a good thing there’s no security footage of that, I suppose.”

“They don’t store it,” said Fitz. “That doesn’t mean there’s no cameras. Skye’s probably watching us right now.”

To confirm this, her voice came in over their comms. “Guys. What are you doing? We need to find the 0-8-4.”

“We’re on it, don’t worry,” said Fitz. “Any sign of movement from the Chitauri armor?”

“Not yet,” said Skye. “I’m staying out of sight while the night guard does his rounds but I’ve got them right here on camera, and they’re just—wait a second—”

“Are they moving?”

“No, but the guard is—I’ll get back to you.”

Fitz turned to Simmons. “I don’t think it’s an 0-8-4. It’s just someone messing with the exhibit.”

“Then what’s this signal we’re tracking, then?”

“Well, it’s that,” said Fitz, pointing to a gold tablet on the wall. “That’s the strongest source of the signal in the room. But it’s still pretty weak, I don’t see how it could be interacting with the Chitauri armor.”

“We don’t know what could set off alien tech,” countered Simmons. She reached up and pulled the tablet down from the wall. It was made of several gold pieces fitted together, and one of them seemed out of place. Simmons gave it a little push.

“Wait, hang on,” said Fitz. “The energy levels just spiked.”

* * *

Larry waited until the final guest left the museum, then sprang into action. First thing first, he locked up the African mammals, definitely didn’t want to forget that later. Then he returned to deal with the Chitauri. He gathered up their guns, which were, thankfully, just wood and cardboard at the moment, and took them to his locker. Separating the aliens from their weapons might not be enough, but it was a good start. Now, how to secure the armor?

“Hold it right there.”

“O…kay.” A young woman and a middle-aged man were waiting for him as he returned to the Chitauri exhibit. And those guns, while not alien, were decidedly real. “The museum’s closed, guys,” he said, which was the first thing that came to mind and probably a very stupid thing to say right now. “Not to mention holding me at gunpoint … kind of illegal …”

“I’m Agent Phil Coulson,” the man said. “We’re with SHIELD.”

“Oh, thank god,” said Larry. The woman lowered her gun, looking a bit perplexed. “Are you here to confiscate this? Please say yes.”

Now the man lowered his gun. “You … want us to take the armor?”

Larry nodded. “Look,” he said. “You’re not gonna believe me if I tell you it’s dangerous, because it’s just empty armor, but believe me, it’s dangerous. So if you could like, officially confiscate it, that would be really awesome.”

“No, I believe you,” said the agent. “We have reports and video footage of empty Chitauri armor causing trouble last night.” Larry sighed. Of course they did. “What I want to know is why. What makes dead, empty Chitauri armor come back to life?”

That was when the true danger hit Larry. SHIELD would take the Chitauri armor, but they’d also take the tablet, lock it away in some Indiana Jones warehouse, and his friends would never come to life again. He couldn’t let that happen. “I … don’t know?” Wow, that … did not sound very convincing. “It’s from outer space! I’m just a night guard, I don’t know how outer space armor and alien ray guns work.”

“Uh-huh,” said the agent. It was not a very reassuring or trusting “uh-huh.”

“You put the guns in your locker,” said the woman. “Are you planning on stealing those?”

“What? No!” Larry protested. “They’re not even real guns! I just had to put them somewhere safe so no one would get hurt.”

“You had to put the fake guns somewhere safe.”

“… exactly!”

The agent rolled his eyes. “Who are you working for, Mr. Daley?”

“Uh, the Museum of Natural History,”

“Really.”

“Yes, really! I work here, which is why I don’t appreciate space alien armor coming to life and blowing up my dinosaur, which is why I took their guns away and would really like you to take the armor away too.”

“Uh-huh,” said the agent, again.

“ _Your_ dinosaur?” the woman asked.

“The museum’s dinosaur,” Larry corrected himself. He looked up at Rexy.

Rexy looked down at him.

Oops.

* * *

“What did you do?”

“I …” Simmons looked down at the tablet she was holding. “I think I … turned it on.”

“These energy readings are—I've never seen anything like it!” Gingerly, Simmons set it down. “No, it’s safe to touch, it’s just …” Fitz trailed off as he examined the tablet and his scanner.

“Hello?”

Fitz and Simmons froze, looked at each other. That muffled voice … had come from inside the sarcophagus.

“Oh, this can’t be serious,” said Simmons. The lid started to move and they both took a step back, but when the lid slid aside and a figure sat up, it was decidedly not a dried out, shriveled up dead body.

“Oh, hello,” he said, pleasantly. “You’re not Larry.”

“Um,” said Simmons.

“Yeah, no, um, we’re with SHIELD,” said Fitz, as though that would mean anything to a millenia-old Egyptian.

Apparently it did. “Wonderful!” he said, climbing out of the sarcophagus. “You took care of the Chitauri?”

“Um,” said Simmons, again, her mind working. “I’m Jemma Simmons, this is Fitz, and you must be …” She glanced at the display. “Akh-men-ra?”

“Ahkmenrah,” he corrected her pronunciation.

“Ahkmenrah,” she repeated. “Is waking up from the dead a regular occurrence for you?”

The pharaoh nodded, casually. “Larry didn’t tell you?”

Fitz glanced at Simmons. “Who’s Larry?” he muttered.

“Shh,” Simmons shot back. “It’s that tablet that brings you back to life …” she went on. “And it works on everything in the museum.” She looked to Ahkmenrah for confirmation, and he nodded again. “That explains the Chitauri armor, then.”

“You did take care of that, yes?”

“Ah … I think so?” Simmons really had no idea. Skye was supposed to be on that end of things, and if she needed backup she’d call in Coulson, and … the pharaoh sighed, grabbed a spear from another display case, and hurried out of the exhibit hall. Fitz and Simmons stared after him.

“All right, did that really just happen?” Simmons asked.

“It definitely did just happen. How did SHIELD not know that the Museum of Natural History has an 0-8-4 that brings dead things back to life?”

Simmons shrugged. “We definitely need to study that tablet. I mean, the restorative properties alone—”

“The guy was a mummy five minutes ago! Now he’s a normal, living, healthy—”

“—attractive—”

“—what?”

“I’m just saying.”

“I’ll repeat the part about him being an actual literal mummy five minutes ago.”

“It’s really fascinating, isn’t it?” She picked the tablet and started to follow Ahkmenrah out, but two giant stone jackals moved to block her path. “Ooh, and it brings statues to life too!”

“I, uh, don’t think they want you to steal the tablet.”

“I’m not _stealing_ it, I just—” She looked up at the jackals. “—am going to set this down right here before I leave.”

The jackals let them pass and they made their way back to the lobby.

* * *

“Wow.” Larry looked from the previously unassuming-looking agent to the disassembled pieces of Chitauri armor spread across the floor. “You took out those Chitauri really quickly.”

“Well, they were unarmed,” said Coulson, with a nod of acknowledgment.

“You’re not an Avenger, are you?”

“I’m not,” he said, but Larry thought he detected a hint of a smile.

Rexy was watching them intently and Larry picked up a piece of the broken Chitauri armor. “Here, boy, go play!” he called, tossing the … leg? arm? across the lobby.

“We are going to have to confiscate that,” said Coulson, apologetically.

“Thank you,” said Larry. “I really did not want to have to deal with that every night.”

“As well as ask you some questions,” Coulson continued.

“Look,” said Larry. “Everything comes to life at night, but it’s all safe. No one gets hurt. We just hang out, no one leaves the museum, even the Tyrannosaurus Rex is just a big puppy.”

“—how?” asked the woman.

“Look you can’t take it away that would be like killing them,” he said in one breath.

Coulson seemed to consider this. “FitzSimmons’ 0-8-4,” said the woman, whatever that meant.

“Larry!”

“Ahk!” He noted the weapon the pharaoh was carrying. “We’re okay, everyone’s fine. Who—?” Two strangers, intruders who were probably also SHIELD agents, emerged from the corridor after him. That explained how the tablet had been reactivated. “Ahk, these are SHIELD agents Coulson and …”

“Skye,” the woman supplied.

“They’re going to confiscate the Chitauri armor.”

Ahk looked back at the two agents who had followed him out. “And that’s … all they’re going to confiscate?”

Coulson sighed. “A device with this kind of power … you understand we have to study it. Keep it contained.”

“A-hem. Agent.”

Coulson glanced back at the man who had spoken up behind him. “Mr. President?”

“I don’t know the inner workings of your organization in this day and age,” Teddy Roosevelt said. “But in my day, we had something similar. Someone to keep tabs on unexplained phenomena. Facilities to store dangerous artifacts.”

“You’re just going to cart it off to an Indiana Jones warehouse, I knew it,” said Larry.

The former president continued, ignoring Larry’s outburst. “You intend to take the tablet to such a facility?”

“That’s classified,” said Coulson.

“Of course,” Roosevelt nodded. “Agent Coulson, we know what happens when wax statues and stuffed mammals come to life at night. I don’t know what your organization keeps in its classified facilities, or what the tablet would do to them.”

“That,” said Agent Coulson, “is an excellent point. Thank you, Mr. President.” Larry sighed in relief. “You’ve found Mr. Daley to be an adequate caretaker?”

“I have found Mr. Daley to be an excellent caretaker,” Roosevelt replied.

“Very well,” said Coulson. He handed a card to Larry. “Should anything you can’t handle come up, here’s how to reach me. Oh, and—” he turned back to Roosevelt. “Could I have your autograph? If you don’t mind?”

* * *

“Simmons. We’re ready to head out.”

Coulson had continued talking with the night guard and the former president, and rather than stand around waiting for them to finish, Simmons had asked Ahkmenrah to give her a tour of the museum.

“Just a minute!” she replied into her comm. She turned back to the diorama and applauded as the tiny Roman general paraded his troops in front of her.

“Aw, come on, lady, don’t encourage him!” one of the cowboys from the next display over called out.

“Ahk,” said Simmons. “Can I call you Ahk?” The young pharaoh nodded, and she continued. “I notice your friend didn’t tell Coulson that the tablet could be disabled.”

Ahkmenrah grinned. “Neither did you.”

She nodded. “I have to go … and that tablet is staying here with you … could I—that is, would you mind if I came back and brought some equipment to study it here sometime?”

“Agent Jemma Simmons, you are welcome to examine the tablet whenever you wish. It has always been magic to me,” he said. “But if you wish to find a more rational basis for its workings, then I hope you can find one.”

“I don’t know when my schedule will permit it,” said Simmons. “That is, we’re pretty busy. But if—when—I do come back—” she smiled “—I’ll make sure to come at night.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this silliness! There is probably going to be a (rather more serious) sequel, involving Captain America and a certain Smithsonian exhibit. 
> 
> _Cowboys & Aliens_ isn't actually on Netflix. Sorry to disappoint.
> 
> Also, I know Coulson didn't quite get his team put together this quickly after _The Avengers_ but eh. It's a silly crossover and I decided it didn't matter.
> 
> And finally, I'm [fallenwithstyle](http://fallenwithstyle.tumblr.com) on tumblr if you want to come say hi.


End file.
